We've Come A Long Way...

 

I know it's been a couple of weeks since I have posted anything new but I have been inspired to write today. I was asked a couple of weeks ago by a dear friend, as to where I saw this blog going and what exactly was my intention. My intention at first was to continue talking about my childless/loveless life and see where that went to eventually make something bigger I had in mind, with the opinions of others but things change. I started to really think about this because if I go back to my first post and read on to the very last, you'll see for yourself how much things have changed. My mind, my writing, my love for God. It's all changed and for the better. I can't determine where my life will be in 5 years or whether or not I will find the man of my dreams and want to have his children, so I won't pretend that the girl who wrote the first post is still here. My only intention is to express myself and if I were to inspire someone along the way then I can only hope that it was fate. I have said time and time again how I am a strong believer in "Everything happens for a reason" and I will always stick to that. A lot has happened. Good and bad of course but mostly good.

From leaving on a small vacation trip to Mexico I started feeling completely different from when I went on a cruise the first time and it dawned on me just how much my mind set had changed. I needed to come to the realization that I am not in control and I needed to accept what was happening, to maybe learn from it. Even though there was times I wanted to go back home, there was still little moments I cherished and I did get to scratch something off the bucket list. 

A few days later I had to say good bye to my sister and the kids as they went to Honduras for my brother in law's residency. After 10 long years I can tell you today that he is now a legal resident of the USA. With a lot of patience and struggle they have made it, so now I have to wait patiently till they get back on the 29th because Lord knows how much I have missed them.

 

Let's talk about sex now and how much my life has changed in that particular department. I am aware this is going to be read by people that have no clue about my personal life like this but this is my blog after all so if you don't like it you can press the X on the top right of the screen. I pride myself on this because I know how strong my self control is. So here goes nothing... next month it will be a year that I have been abstinent and I am damn proud of this. Not a lot of 27 year olds that have already had sex can say that. I have been laughed at plenty and it has yet to shake me, I have been taken as a challenge for some guys that didn't think I was serious about it and I stood my ground. One guy even got slapped. I am aware that being a "Miami girl", guys think that we are all easy when it comes to laying us down but I am here to tell you that not all of us are the same. I am not trying to criticize those who "go with the flow" because who am I? I just know myself well enough to not do that anymore. Some of these guys just don't understand what respect means now a days and it's just sad. Get to know us, make us laugh, fall in love with our soul. Is that too much to ask for? I can only continue to pray that one day I will find the right man for me and hope for the best from there on.

Change is inevitable and if I have God by my side then I will be okay.

Well those are all the updates I have for you this evening!

 

Leap Of Faith

 

Do you ever sit and wonder what is stopping you from taking chances? Could it be fear? Money? The haunting of your own comfort zone? I was reading over my bucket list the other night just for fun, as I realized I only have 7 things scratched off. Why? Of course I need to save up more money to get to accomplish more than half of them, I thought but what about the rest of them? Taking chances is having just the smallest bit of faith that it will be okay and most likely worth it. I read once on an instagram post that you should do something everyday to surprise yourself. I don't know about you but everyday seems like a challenge. Can I challenge you to try this out at least twice a week?

Talk to a stranger, try a different type of food, learn about a different culture, open up the bible, learn about God, visit a church, take a class, just do something different! Surprise yourself! Even though my 30 day love cleanse is over doesn't mean I am going back to the old me. The love continues in my heart and in my spirit. I do not plan on dating anyone because I still have things I want to accomplish on my own. Something I noticed during tango class on Wednesday was, I was partnered up with a guy that had mentioned it was his first time trying tango and he was just so used to dancing salsa so the steps were confusing to him and I immediately said, "I hate salsa!" and he asked me why and I told him it was because I cannot dance salsa. I started to think about what I had just said and wished I hadn't. The truth is I am intimidated by salsa and the fact that I just admitted to hating something because I didn't know how to do it was just ridiculous. I wish I knew how to dance salsa should've been the correct response. I suppose I just need to get better in that department. Salsa classes start tomorrow for me. Challenge accepted! I met some new people at tango which was pretty great. I can feel myself becoming more friendly. I am not hiding myself while I am out there dancing.

In this path I have taken several leaps of faith. I lost friends but gained a couple of steps closer to self love and my self love comes before any of them. God closes doors all the time and people like myself had a habit of opening those doors time and time again but I won't anymore. I am also having faith in God that I don't need people like that around. Even though my journey no longer needs them, I cannot deny that I didn't learn from them. I learned good and bad from them. I surprised myself the day I decided to let go and I am not sad about it because that chapter in my life is over and I pray that one day they will understand. On a more happy note I took two leaps today. A leap of faith and a leap out of a moving airplane. Now 8 things have been scratched off the list. What a thrill! I felt so alive! Don't get me wrong, while I was sitting there waiting for the moment to come that I had to jump out I sat quietly praying. It was a crazy feeling once I was in the air and touching clouds. A moment I will never forget.

 

Things are happening to me, good things. I notice myself more often now blasting the music out of my car while I am driving and singing at the top of my lungs not caring who sees me or what they think. It took me years before to wear a shade of red lipstick and now that is all I ever want to wear. I was scared to seem bold, to be noticed. We need to have faith in ourselves. Don't be scared to try things. It seems this year is when I am really living my life to the fullest and it is truly a beautiful feeling my friends.

Wonderfully Made, Flawed and All

 

I have a dear friend that has been on and off with a guy that quite frankly doesn't deserve her. The last time they broke up I decided I would go talk to her. I told her what I was about to tell her was not to talk down to her but to hopefully inspire her to realize that she should never settle for less. I asked her what I had been asked plenty of times in the past. "Would you be proud to have a son like him?" "Is he someone you would be proud to call a husband?" Her tears gave me her answer. So why are you settling for something you do not want in your future? Why do both men and women do this? I told her I have grown and realized with a lot of time and conversations with wise friends that I needed to learn to love myself first. She's used more dating sites than I have ever. I continued to ask her why she thought she was using all these different sites and she just shrugged. "Do you want to admit to me that you suffer from a low self esteem?" She nodded as more tears ran down her cheeks. I told her that was the exact same reason I was on dating sites as well. We go and have these pointless conversations with guys that could care less what our favorite color is let alone what we really seek in a relationship, what we deserve. I don't want to sound like I am bashing online dating because I have heard of love found there but the reality is, that's only 1 in how many? It is a simple ego booster to sit there and get acknowledged right? But why would you need that if you knew your worth? We all have flaws, we are not perfect. That was not Gods intention when he made us but he loves us anyways. We grow up being told how we should dress, how we should act, how much we should weigh to fit in from the society around us. Just like Pastor K said yesterday, change the way your story is being written. Start with yourself and go from there.

 

Am I starting to sound like a broken record about self love? Well good! Let my words sink in. I just want to help people with my stories as well as help myself in this journey. I finished the conversation with her by telling her to take advantage that she has single friends to go and make beautiful memories with. She didn't have to be alone. To learn something new and to put different experiences under her belt. Which by the way I took a tango class on Wednesday and I loved it! Something to scratch off the bucket list.

I am truly hoping at least some of what I said stuck with her that night. At the end of the day I know people sometimes need to just learn the hard way and I'll be there for her when she is ready.

 

 

I have scars on my body like the sky has its stars.

I have stretch marks like most but their beautiful like yours.

I have freckles I adore while others hate.

I have hair I cant curl but I love it anyway.

I don't have light eyes but I have great sight.

I have a hot temper at times but at least I can feel.

I can be obnoxiously loud but at least I can speak.

I am imperfectly perfect and He loves me for me.

 

Solitude Treasures

 

After a long day on Monday I decided I would release some steam at the gym and ending the night with some of my favorite shows and trying out some meditation before bed. I know nothing about meditating but I figured it couldn't be so hard with some music in the background. I searched YouTube and found several different options. I clicked on a 3 hour meditation sound video. It was super relaxing! I sat there trying to concentrate on my breathing and not at all on my thoughts. Gosh, that was difficult. I found myself praying instead. Before I knew it I had fallen fast asleep. I slept like a baby and I have been falling asleep like this ever since. Enjoying ones solitude is a beautiful thing. What I would do to be this way when I was in high school. But we live and we learn. My insecurities sure came out as the days got closer to Thursday. I had tickets for the 7th annual Artopia event to attend alone. I wanted to try being in such a big social event and not being able to hide behind a book. So the day arrives. I got home from work, got ready and was out the door. As I got closer, the music got louder. It was amazing! Friendly people, beautiful art, awesome food. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday eve haha! Brave enough to go alone I figured I would try getting even more out of my comfort zone and speak to strangers. Even though I didn't talk to a lot of people, I managed to surprise myself. Long story short I met a nice girl also named Stephanie who was going to look into a future internship for me and I was able to say hi to someone I once had a crush on in high school. Crazy! I walked out of there feeling like I can conquer the world! Craziest part about this is that the internship I mentioned, I was actually looking into the night before. Weird huh? I really am surprised at myself. I am in love with this feeling. I am falling in love with myself.

 

I took Friday off since it was my birthday and I decided to wake up early and go watch the sunrise at the beach. I wanted something different, something I hadn't done before. I sat there alone looking up at the sky and couldn't help but get teary eyed as I thanked God for another year. This year I know will be better than the last because of where I am headed. My day continued to get better as I went to have brunch with one of my sisters and went on a safari adventure to go see and pet different wild animals. Later that night I had dinner with my oldest best friends and we had an amazing time. The entire weekend was a success. Saturday was also incredible as I spent the afternoon at church and was also given a shout out by the pastor. He mentioned my blog as he discussed the dating world and how we should wait. Quit rushing to find the one. Work on yourself first. Trust me, it is only for your benefit. I was one who never wanted to be alone like I have mentioned in my earlier posts but now I am doing things alone and enjoying my own company. I am not waiting around for some guy to take me to see art or to go see the beautiful sunrise. I am doing me and learning to appreciate my alone time more than ever. Go out there and do things for yourself. Don't allow time to pass you by. Enjoy the now.

 

 

Party Of 1 Please

 

The love cleanse update is here! This was my first week on my cleanse and so I did something I was actually quite nervous to do. I took myself out to dinner. Even though to a few people this doesn't seem like a big deal, it most definitely was to me. It was nerve-racking to imagine. My palms began to sweat as I approached the restaurant. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer and walked in. The lights were dim so I felt better as I got closer to my table. I ordered a glass of wine to see if that'll help loosen me up a bit. I noticed the waitresses were very attentive to me. Yes, I said waitresses. I had multiple girls approach me to make sure I was comfortable, asking if I wanted more wine. Luckily for me it was happy hour but I only stuck to one glass. I read my book, sipped on my chardonnay and waited for my sushi to be ready. I felt amazing after a while, very empowering feeling to know I really don't need to depend on people to enjoy a nice meal. Perfect example is that a lot of my friends don't like sushi so there we have it. I think it's important to do things like this for yourself, for your sanity. Like I've mentioned before, I've been single for a bit now and even though I've been alone, I have never tried this whole "dating myself" thing and for the first week in, I feel proud. As I wrote this I was sitting on a beach chair, with my feet in the soft white sand, the wind blowing in my hair, music playing in the background and a perfect ocean view. I was not alone this weekend but I was alone in my thoughts at this moment. The minute I sat down I looked up and thanked God for allowing me to spend a weekend at the beach with such inspirational women, for allowing us to have a perfect day and blessing us overall. I finished another book as I sat there from a new author, Melissa Molomo and I felt an overwhelming feeling come over me. I need to make things happen within myself and my life. There is a reason why I am a dreamer right? I have to stop doubting myself. Change is coming! It started with the books I've read, with this blog, my relationship with God. Only good will come of this. I am excited to see where this all leads.

 

Self Love

A New Start To A New Month

 

 

 

 

 

A few days ago I finished Mandy Hale's second book "I've never been to Vegas but my luggage has". Reading her stories made such an impact on how I think of a few things, starting with myself. This book was just as great as her first so if you are a woman looking for some sassiness and guidance please go check out her books! From reading her inspirational stories I decided I'd do something she did in her 20s. She called it a "love cleanse", in other words dating myself for 30 days or more, learning about self love, appreciating me, taking the time to free myself from my past and getting closer to God. I found it amazing how this decision became a reality even after oddly being bashed about it. When people try to convince you not to follow what your heart is telling you to do, it only pushes a person more and maybe one day I'll thank her for taking this as a joke. As it is I have reserved my Thursday evenings to take myself to the movies, it's been a couple of months now that I've been doing this and she even tried to convince me to change that to another day to go to a bar every Thursday instead... ummm how about no? When I told her how I felt she said she was sorry that I took everything the wrong way. I explained time and time that I had nothing to lose in this choice but probably much to gain in hopes I find a different side to myself. I've been dating, wasting time on pointless men and always find myself back on square 1. Maybe I was just seeking their attention, maybe I am was doing something wrong, maybe I cared too soon or maybe I was just lacking my self love. I was recently talking to someone and even before I pulled the plug, this decision on my love cleanse was already a set goal. Long story short as to why I let him go was because he didn't respect me or my feelings. Funny thing is that Sunday night when I had the courage to tell him how I felt, all he could say was "I am sorry you feel this way Steph". Don't feel sorry for me, I don't want that. I want your understanding, I want you to put yourself in my shoes.

In this 30 day love cleanse I will be taking myself out on dates, not just to the movie theater every week. Maybe try a few things I've never done before, jump out of my comfort zone for a change, wet my feet in unknown territory, concentrate on what really matters. Today I will start with a spa day. I have never tried this and I am so very excited about it. I hope this is a start to a beautiful journey and I will keep you all posted. Happy 1st of the month !