Our Jaded Hearts...

 

As per the Huffington Post 50% of Americans are single. If we were to compare the 1920s to our present time, the difference is ridiculous. 92.3 out of 1000 were getting married then and only 31 out of 1000 are settling down in todays generation. The point here is that I think we fear commitment and we just don't know what is good anymore. All this pushed me to ask questions and well, I just wanted to learn more. I was curious to know why such great guys are still single. I had the privilege of speaking to 2 different single men in their 30s to see about their views and expectations. Below you'll see their answers to my questions:

 

Bachelor 1:

- Age and how long have you been single? 30 years old and has been single for close to 4 years now. 

- Have you been single by choice? Yes, because he felt he wasn't ready and was concentrating on his career.

- Have you been dating at all? No

- Are you ready to settle down? If the right girl were to come, yes.

- Checklist? No. Just wants the normal traits a nice girl would have.

- Looks or Chemistry? Chemistry because looks fade.

- Deal breakers: Smoker, ghetto girls, cursing & doesn't care about their health

- Do you feel pressured to get married and have kids? A little.

- What have you learned from your past relationships? Don't rush into anything and get to know the person better.

- 5 qualities you seek in a woman:

1. Trustworthy
2. Loyal
3. Forgiving
4. Intelligent
5. Loving

- He believes in God*

 

Bachelor 2:

- Age and how long have you been single? 36 years old and has been single for 6 years now.

- Have you been single by choice? Yes, because he is focusing on his career and the right girl hasn't come along.

- Have you been dating at all? Has dated in between but nothing serious.

- Are you ready to settle down? Yes.

- Checklist? Yes but is willing to compromise.

- Looks or Chemistry? Looks

- Deal breakers: Body odor, bad breath, stubbornness (not willing to apologize) and laziness.

- Do you feel pressured to get married and have kids? Yes, very much.

- What have you learned from your past relationships? Women are nuts and its not fun when you tell a girl you don't want anything serious but she wont listen.

He just asked me to change what he first said cause he was joking but I will only add not remove lol add that you must keep trying to better yourself and the relationship. You must motivate each other to strive for something great and that no matter how much someone falls in love with you they can easily fall out of love with you.

- 5 qualities you seek in a woman:

1. Career driven
2. Honest
3. Nice
4. Trustworthy
5. Attractive

- Does not believe in God*

 

Even though they both have similarities, I see a lot of differences in these men. One is pickier than the other, one has more flings than the other but if they both state they are ready for a relationship why cant they find anything? Where exactly are they searching for her? People jump in and get physical before getting to know the person they are sharing a bed with. Then in some cases continue to share a bed with this person without wanting a commitment. If you want something serious then why get into the fling? It's like asking for food and neglecting it when they give it to you. *On another note as you see above, one believes in God and the other doesn't. At least in my eyes this is an important factor and it makes a difference in the person. Why not make it a goal to court a woman? There are worthy women out there. Stop looking for the woman in the club that wants that every weekend versus the woman that would rather share the couch and a good movie with you. Where has the romance gone? Women still want chivalry. Both these men are independent, intelligent and good looking. Are the women the issue or are these men just not realizing a good woman when they see one? There is more that meets the eye... we should just learn to focus better.

 

Solitude Treasures

 

After a long day on Monday I decided I would release some steam at the gym and ending the night with some of my favorite shows and trying out some meditation before bed. I know nothing about meditating but I figured it couldn't be so hard with some music in the background. I searched YouTube and found several different options. I clicked on a 3 hour meditation sound video. It was super relaxing! I sat there trying to concentrate on my breathing and not at all on my thoughts. Gosh, that was difficult. I found myself praying instead. Before I knew it I had fallen fast asleep. I slept like a baby and I have been falling asleep like this ever since. Enjoying ones solitude is a beautiful thing. What I would do to be this way when I was in high school. But we live and we learn. My insecurities sure came out as the days got closer to Thursday. I had tickets for the 7th annual Artopia event to attend alone. I wanted to try being in such a big social event and not being able to hide behind a book. So the day arrives. I got home from work, got ready and was out the door. As I got closer, the music got louder. It was amazing! Friendly people, beautiful art, awesome food. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday eve haha! Brave enough to go alone I figured I would try getting even more out of my comfort zone and speak to strangers. Even though I didn't talk to a lot of people, I managed to surprise myself. Long story short I met a nice girl also named Stephanie who was going to look into a future internship for me and I was able to say hi to someone I once had a crush on in high school. Crazy! I walked out of there feeling like I can conquer the world! Craziest part about this is that the internship I mentioned, I was actually looking into the night before. Weird huh? I really am surprised at myself. I am in love with this feeling. I am falling in love with myself.

 

I took Friday off since it was my birthday and I decided to wake up early and go watch the sunrise at the beach. I wanted something different, something I hadn't done before. I sat there alone looking up at the sky and couldn't help but get teary eyed as I thanked God for another year. This year I know will be better than the last because of where I am headed. My day continued to get better as I went to have brunch with one of my sisters and went on a safari adventure to go see and pet different wild animals. Later that night I had dinner with my oldest best friends and we had an amazing time. The entire weekend was a success. Saturday was also incredible as I spent the afternoon at church and was also given a shout out by the pastor. He mentioned my blog as he discussed the dating world and how we should wait. Quit rushing to find the one. Work on yourself first. Trust me, it is only for your benefit. I was one who never wanted to be alone like I have mentioned in my earlier posts but now I am doing things alone and enjoying my own company. I am not waiting around for some guy to take me to see art or to go see the beautiful sunrise. I am doing me and learning to appreciate my alone time more than ever. Go out there and do things for yourself. Don't allow time to pass you by. Enjoy the now.

 

 

The Game

I had dinner with a friend on Friday and with all the many things we talked about, the one I told him I'd write about this weekend was how "The Game" in our dating world has taken over this generation. There are plenty of articles on this same topic but I don't care, I wanted to point out how this is truly affecting people. He is 30 years old now and has yet to settle down. I asked him why he thinks he hasn't done so yet. Good looking, independent, smart man and yet he doesn't seem to find his right girl. He goes on to tell me that he just has this checklist that makes it impossible to find her and how when he was younger this "game" of acting like you just didn't care made girls want him and vise versa for the ladies. The more we pretend to not care, the more they want you. Why? Because people want what they cannot have. Sometimes I wonder if this is one of the reasons it didn't work out with the last guy I was talking to. He would pursue me for months and once I started to pay attention, he changed. The chase was over I suppose. There is more to a person than this. I had so many questions because I sincerely wanted to get to know him better and he was just distant. I am not agreeing with playing the game. I am letting you all know it is exhausting! Why are people doing this to each other? How do you expect to find love? Men talk about how "nice guys finish last" but sometimes I think that goes for good girls too. My views on what I look for in a man have definitely changed and I do not have time for these kinds of games, no one looking for something real is interested in this. Go buy yourself a board game in that case. Everyone including myself has a checklist but wouldn't it be fascinating to sit back and get to know all types of different people and see how that goes instead? They say the best relationships start as friendships. That's what I want to concentrate on; friendships. Healthy friendships. Everyone you come across in life will teach you something different even if they are only there temporarily in your life, lets learn about one another! I am trying to grow as a person, I am trying to become a Godly woman and I have taken a few steps to try to get closer to where God wants me to be. At the end of the day this game people are playing isn't going to help anyone. Become the person you want to attract. Be the one, the one you are looking for is looking for. You have to be the one. Thank you Pastor K.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1nRB8ZmpDk

 

    

Self Love

A New Start To A New Month

 

 

 

 

 

A few days ago I finished Mandy Hale's second book "I've never been to Vegas but my luggage has". Reading her stories made such an impact on how I think of a few things, starting with myself. This book was just as great as her first so if you are a woman looking for some sassiness and guidance please go check out her books! From reading her inspirational stories I decided I'd do something she did in her 20s. She called it a "love cleanse", in other words dating myself for 30 days or more, learning about self love, appreciating me, taking the time to free myself from my past and getting closer to God. I found it amazing how this decision became a reality even after oddly being bashed about it. When people try to convince you not to follow what your heart is telling you to do, it only pushes a person more and maybe one day I'll thank her for taking this as a joke. As it is I have reserved my Thursday evenings to take myself to the movies, it's been a couple of months now that I've been doing this and she even tried to convince me to change that to another day to go to a bar every Thursday instead... ummm how about no? When I told her how I felt she said she was sorry that I took everything the wrong way. I explained time and time that I had nothing to lose in this choice but probably much to gain in hopes I find a different side to myself. I've been dating, wasting time on pointless men and always find myself back on square 1. Maybe I was just seeking their attention, maybe I am was doing something wrong, maybe I cared too soon or maybe I was just lacking my self love. I was recently talking to someone and even before I pulled the plug, this decision on my love cleanse was already a set goal. Long story short as to why I let him go was because he didn't respect me or my feelings. Funny thing is that Sunday night when I had the courage to tell him how I felt, all he could say was "I am sorry you feel this way Steph". Don't feel sorry for me, I don't want that. I want your understanding, I want you to put yourself in my shoes.

In this 30 day love cleanse I will be taking myself out on dates, not just to the movie theater every week. Maybe try a few things I've never done before, jump out of my comfort zone for a change, wet my feet in unknown territory, concentrate on what really matters. Today I will start with a spa day. I have never tried this and I am so very excited about it. I hope this is a start to a beautiful journey and I will keep you all posted. Happy 1st of the month !

 

 

The First To Break My Heart

The Broken One

 

 

One of two that broke my heart ended over a year and a half ago. I met him through POF after bombarding me with messages because I wouldn't give him the time of day since his English was broken. The more I ignored him the more he chased me, funny how that works. He was fragile knowing his mother was in a terrible state with her cancer and in showing me this side to him I was surely falling after some time. I wanted to be there for him even if it meant I had to put my guard down. His story moved me in a way I couldn't bare but cry. I tried to be strong but in showing my weakness, he pushed away. We dated for a bit prior to this and I could tell you I had never felt like this about anyone. He had passion in his eyes and like many Cuban men, he knew exactly what to say... I learned about this the hard way. I used to sit and listen to his stories from when he grew up in Cuba and the struggles he used to have. I found myself listening more than talking, maybe I was scared of showing him my fragile sides or maybe it was just something about his voice that kept me mesmerized. When he pushed me away we didn't speak for a couple of weeks but on the morning of my 25th birthday something happened. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the shower doing my daily prayer, thanking God for another day of life when I hear a little voice in my head tell me to contact him... Now you may or may not think I am crazy but back then I used to attend a book club once a week with my church ladies and we'd pray for him and his mother for months, so when I say I heard a voice I definitely took it as a sign. At first I didn't want to listen, I told myself I wouldn't be the one to go looking for him after everything that had happened but in that instant I heard it again. The little voice telling me to quit being so stubborn and to ask him how his mother was doing. I got out of the shower annoyed at the thought, grabbed my phone and texted him in Spanish "I don't mean to bother you but I wanted to know how your mother was doing". I felt a bit more relaxed and thought to myself that even if he doesn't write back at least he knows I still care. I went on with my day and to my surprise he texted me back. He wrote "My mother passed away yesterday. I want to thank you for everything you have done for me and I am sorry for what I have done to you. Please know you did nothing wrong and I hope you can forgive me". How was I not going to believe that this was God talking to me this morning in the shower? I quickly responded back expressing how sorry I was about his loss, that I know she is in a better place now and if he needed a friend to talk to he knew where to find me. The timing could not be worse seeing as it was my birthday weekend and the next day I would be leaving on a cruise.

It was not hard to keep my mind occupied in the meantime but the minute we got off at the Florida Keys I turned my phone on to find 2 unread messages from him that very next day. The first one read "I need to talk to you!" and the second "Why are you ignoring me now?". All I responded back to him was "I am on a cruise." and he responded with "Please call me when you get back, we need to talk". The weekend went by and it was back to reality on Monday. We talked a lot the next couple of weeks, he'd come over and just cry. He'd fall asleep in my arms after hours of expressing himself.  It was like this for some time but I was okay with being that shoulder to cry on. After he started to feel better I suppose, he picked up his pieces and started to push me away again. The way this story ended was when he asked me to go over his house but didn't answer his door when I'd knock, wouldn't answer my calls or text messages. I felt like an idiot sitting out there asking myself where I went wrong again, why he had this power over me. I was better than this! I cried. We didn't see each other again after this. Miami being as small as it is, we happened to be in the same location on this very New Years Eve going into 2015. I saw him and froze. "Should I be mad or happy to see him?" I asked myself. It had been so long that anger wasn't in my heart anymore, I was over him. He saw me and approached me, he asked me how I was doing and wished me a Happy New Year. His eyes looked tired, he seemed empty. I knew I had learned from this man and I had to be grateful for the experience. Just like I have mentioned before 'Everything happens for a reason' and I am grateful that nothing more serious had become of us to hurt me more.

 

 

 

Questions:

 

-How many times have you fallen for sweet nothings?

 

My First Dip Into Online Dating...

The Not So Great Singer & The Liar

 

 

Living in Miami and dating is a job on its own. I am sure with all the

stories my friends and I have, we can have our own radio show. No lie.

From smelling my hair to singing NSYNC and Britney Spears to me was one

of the very first dates I had from a guy on POF (PlentyOfFish.com). "Don't go yet! Let

me finish the song!" He said. I stood there wondering where the cameras were

assuming this must have been a joke. Nope. He was serious. Ha!

How much weirder could the night have gotten? Obviously I did not continue

talking to that one. NEXT !

An experience that left a minor scar was one to involve one of my

good friends. From the very beginning of getting to know these guys online

we obviously ask a lot of questions. One of the many questions after getting to know

them a little better and finally meeting is "How many people are you currently

talking to?" I only ask this question when I am interested of course.

Honesty is key people! He told me I was the only one he was talking to while I was

truthful and told him I was talking to 2 other guys at the time. After dating for about a month

or so I put up a picture on Facebook and my friend called me right away. "Steph!

are you with this guy right now?!" she asked. I said "Yes, what's going on?". She went

on to tell me she was dating the same guy. "Leave and call me back ASAP!" she told me.

The truth always comes out sooner or later. Obviously the fact that we were friends was the

honest mistake but the fact that he lied to us both was the issue at hand. When I mentioned

her name to him his face turned white and he didn't say a word. I walked out and he

didn't go after me. The calls began after my friend left him a voice message to forget about

us both. Thankfully I had a flight to catch the next day so I would have a nice distraction visiting

my cousin in Boston. When I got back he asked to see me and of course my nice

side allowed him to explain himself. He asked for my forgiveness and asked me for another

chance. The jerk tells me that I am the safest choice between me and my friend. I looked at him and laughed. Now is when he decides to be blunt?! I don't want to be anyone's safe choice! Seriously?! No one wants to be that person. I'll finish this post stating that I have always been a strong believer in "Everything happens for a reason" and there is always these little moments that I realize someone is definitely looking out for me because it could've been much more serious. 

 

 

 

 

Question:

 

-How honest are you when it comes to dating/getting to know someone?

 

I will continue to share dating stories next week!