The Game

I had dinner with a friend on Friday and with all the many things we talked about, the one I told him I'd write about this weekend was how "The Game" in our dating world has taken over this generation. There are plenty of articles on this same topic but I don't care, I wanted to point out how this is truly affecting people. He is 30 years old now and has yet to settle down. I asked him why he thinks he hasn't done so yet. Good looking, independent, smart man and yet he doesn't seem to find his right girl. He goes on to tell me that he just has this checklist that makes it impossible to find her and how when he was younger this "game" of acting like you just didn't care made girls want him and vise versa for the ladies. The more we pretend to not care, the more they want you. Why? Because people want what they cannot have. Sometimes I wonder if this is one of the reasons it didn't work out with the last guy I was talking to. He would pursue me for months and once I started to pay attention, he changed. The chase was over I suppose. There is more to a person than this. I had so many questions because I sincerely wanted to get to know him better and he was just distant. I am not agreeing with playing the game. I am letting you all know it is exhausting! Why are people doing this to each other? How do you expect to find love? Men talk about how "nice guys finish last" but sometimes I think that goes for good girls too. My views on what I look for in a man have definitely changed and I do not have time for these kinds of games, no one looking for something real is interested in this. Go buy yourself a board game in that case. Everyone including myself has a checklist but wouldn't it be fascinating to sit back and get to know all types of different people and see how that goes instead? They say the best relationships start as friendships. That's what I want to concentrate on; friendships. Healthy friendships. Everyone you come across in life will teach you something different even if they are only there temporarily in your life, lets learn about one another! I am trying to grow as a person, I am trying to become a Godly woman and I have taken a few steps to try to get closer to where God wants me to be. At the end of the day this game people are playing isn't going to help anyone. Become the person you want to attract. Be the one, the one you are looking for is looking for. You have to be the one. Thank you Pastor K.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1nRB8ZmpDk

 

    

Party Of 1 Please

 

The love cleanse update is here! This was my first week on my cleanse and so I did something I was actually quite nervous to do. I took myself out to dinner. Even though to a few people this doesn't seem like a big deal, it most definitely was to me. It was nerve-racking to imagine. My palms began to sweat as I approached the restaurant. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer and walked in. The lights were dim so I felt better as I got closer to my table. I ordered a glass of wine to see if that'll help loosen me up a bit. I noticed the waitresses were very attentive to me. Yes, I said waitresses. I had multiple girls approach me to make sure I was comfortable, asking if I wanted more wine. Luckily for me it was happy hour but I only stuck to one glass. I read my book, sipped on my chardonnay and waited for my sushi to be ready. I felt amazing after a while, very empowering feeling to know I really don't need to depend on people to enjoy a nice meal. Perfect example is that a lot of my friends don't like sushi so there we have it. I think it's important to do things like this for yourself, for your sanity. Like I've mentioned before, I've been single for a bit now and even though I've been alone, I have never tried this whole "dating myself" thing and for the first week in, I feel proud. As I wrote this I was sitting on a beach chair, with my feet in the soft white sand, the wind blowing in my hair, music playing in the background and a perfect ocean view. I was not alone this weekend but I was alone in my thoughts at this moment. The minute I sat down I looked up and thanked God for allowing me to spend a weekend at the beach with such inspirational women, for allowing us to have a perfect day and blessing us overall. I finished another book as I sat there from a new author, Melissa Molomo and I felt an overwhelming feeling come over me. I need to make things happen within myself and my life. There is a reason why I am a dreamer right? I have to stop doubting myself. Change is coming! It started with the books I've read, with this blog, my relationship with God. Only good will come of this. I am excited to see where this all leads.

 

Self Love

A New Start To A New Month

 

 

 

 

 

A few days ago I finished Mandy Hale's second book "I've never been to Vegas but my luggage has". Reading her stories made such an impact on how I think of a few things, starting with myself. This book was just as great as her first so if you are a woman looking for some sassiness and guidance please go check out her books! From reading her inspirational stories I decided I'd do something she did in her 20s. She called it a "love cleanse", in other words dating myself for 30 days or more, learning about self love, appreciating me, taking the time to free myself from my past and getting closer to God. I found it amazing how this decision became a reality even after oddly being bashed about it. When people try to convince you not to follow what your heart is telling you to do, it only pushes a person more and maybe one day I'll thank her for taking this as a joke. As it is I have reserved my Thursday evenings to take myself to the movies, it's been a couple of months now that I've been doing this and she even tried to convince me to change that to another day to go to a bar every Thursday instead... ummm how about no? When I told her how I felt she said she was sorry that I took everything the wrong way. I explained time and time that I had nothing to lose in this choice but probably much to gain in hopes I find a different side to myself. I've been dating, wasting time on pointless men and always find myself back on square 1. Maybe I was just seeking their attention, maybe I am was doing something wrong, maybe I cared too soon or maybe I was just lacking my self love. I was recently talking to someone and even before I pulled the plug, this decision on my love cleanse was already a set goal. Long story short as to why I let him go was because he didn't respect me or my feelings. Funny thing is that Sunday night when I had the courage to tell him how I felt, all he could say was "I am sorry you feel this way Steph". Don't feel sorry for me, I don't want that. I want your understanding, I want you to put yourself in my shoes.

In this 30 day love cleanse I will be taking myself out on dates, not just to the movie theater every week. Maybe try a few things I've never done before, jump out of my comfort zone for a change, wet my feet in unknown territory, concentrate on what really matters. Today I will start with a spa day. I have never tried this and I am so very excited about it. I hope this is a start to a beautiful journey and I will keep you all posted. Happy 1st of the month !

 

 

The Black Sheep

 

 

So I decided I'd touch base again today about the subject of marriage and children because I found out on Friday that my youngest sister is expecting. We don't know how far along she is just yet but there we have it, I will be an aunt for the third time. The middle sister has been married since she was 18 years old and already has two beautiful kids of her own and the youngest sister just got married in September, she is now 21 years old and pregnant. As I told my friends about the news I wondered if people would start to think something was wrong with me. Many things went through my mind but that was one of my concerns and I am aware I shouldn't care what people think but we all know we care a little. I saw the struggles my mother and aunts went through to raise a family, I see how exhausting my sisters life is going to school full time, being a wife and a mother and now the youngest living in an efficiency with her husband and struggling to make ends meet. It worries the shit out of me to say the least. There is many reasons why I said I didn't want kids of my own and two main reasons why is money and time. I want to travel the world and be in a better economical state to even consider it. The thought of bringing a child into a unstable world terrifies me. I am not here to bash anyone but these are obvious concerns. Travel, go back to school, buy a house, find someone worth it all, this is what I want first. I turn 27 next month and I can't help but think where my life is going. Where do I even start to reach these goals? Do I really want to work in insurance forever? What should I go major in if I do go back to school? Ugh. So many questions! We all eventually find our paths. Patience is everything.

 

 

 

The First To Break My Heart

The Broken One

 

 

One of two that broke my heart ended over a year and a half ago. I met him through POF after bombarding me with messages because I wouldn't give him the time of day since his English was broken. The more I ignored him the more he chased me, funny how that works. He was fragile knowing his mother was in a terrible state with her cancer and in showing me this side to him I was surely falling after some time. I wanted to be there for him even if it meant I had to put my guard down. His story moved me in a way I couldn't bare but cry. I tried to be strong but in showing my weakness, he pushed away. We dated for a bit prior to this and I could tell you I had never felt like this about anyone. He had passion in his eyes and like many Cuban men, he knew exactly what to say... I learned about this the hard way. I used to sit and listen to his stories from when he grew up in Cuba and the struggles he used to have. I found myself listening more than talking, maybe I was scared of showing him my fragile sides or maybe it was just something about his voice that kept me mesmerized. When he pushed me away we didn't speak for a couple of weeks but on the morning of my 25th birthday something happened. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the shower doing my daily prayer, thanking God for another day of life when I hear a little voice in my head tell me to contact him... Now you may or may not think I am crazy but back then I used to attend a book club once a week with my church ladies and we'd pray for him and his mother for months, so when I say I heard a voice I definitely took it as a sign. At first I didn't want to listen, I told myself I wouldn't be the one to go looking for him after everything that had happened but in that instant I heard it again. The little voice telling me to quit being so stubborn and to ask him how his mother was doing. I got out of the shower annoyed at the thought, grabbed my phone and texted him in Spanish "I don't mean to bother you but I wanted to know how your mother was doing". I felt a bit more relaxed and thought to myself that even if he doesn't write back at least he knows I still care. I went on with my day and to my surprise he texted me back. He wrote "My mother passed away yesterday. I want to thank you for everything you have done for me and I am sorry for what I have done to you. Please know you did nothing wrong and I hope you can forgive me". How was I not going to believe that this was God talking to me this morning in the shower? I quickly responded back expressing how sorry I was about his loss, that I know she is in a better place now and if he needed a friend to talk to he knew where to find me. The timing could not be worse seeing as it was my birthday weekend and the next day I would be leaving on a cruise.

It was not hard to keep my mind occupied in the meantime but the minute we got off at the Florida Keys I turned my phone on to find 2 unread messages from him that very next day. The first one read "I need to talk to you!" and the second "Why are you ignoring me now?". All I responded back to him was "I am on a cruise." and he responded with "Please call me when you get back, we need to talk". The weekend went by and it was back to reality on Monday. We talked a lot the next couple of weeks, he'd come over and just cry. He'd fall asleep in my arms after hours of expressing himself.  It was like this for some time but I was okay with being that shoulder to cry on. After he started to feel better I suppose, he picked up his pieces and started to push me away again. The way this story ended was when he asked me to go over his house but didn't answer his door when I'd knock, wouldn't answer my calls or text messages. I felt like an idiot sitting out there asking myself where I went wrong again, why he had this power over me. I was better than this! I cried. We didn't see each other again after this. Miami being as small as it is, we happened to be in the same location on this very New Years Eve going into 2015. I saw him and froze. "Should I be mad or happy to see him?" I asked myself. It had been so long that anger wasn't in my heart anymore, I was over him. He saw me and approached me, he asked me how I was doing and wished me a Happy New Year. His eyes looked tired, he seemed empty. I knew I had learned from this man and I had to be grateful for the experience. Just like I have mentioned before 'Everything happens for a reason' and I am grateful that nothing more serious had become of us to hurt me more.

 

 

 

Questions:

 

-How many times have you fallen for sweet nothings?

 

My First Dip Into Online Dating...

The Not So Great Singer & The Liar

 

 

Living in Miami and dating is a job on its own. I am sure with all the

stories my friends and I have, we can have our own radio show. No lie.

From smelling my hair to singing NSYNC and Britney Spears to me was one

of the very first dates I had from a guy on POF (PlentyOfFish.com). "Don't go yet! Let

me finish the song!" He said. I stood there wondering where the cameras were

assuming this must have been a joke. Nope. He was serious. Ha!

How much weirder could the night have gotten? Obviously I did not continue

talking to that one. NEXT !

An experience that left a minor scar was one to involve one of my

good friends. From the very beginning of getting to know these guys online

we obviously ask a lot of questions. One of the many questions after getting to know

them a little better and finally meeting is "How many people are you currently

talking to?" I only ask this question when I am interested of course.

Honesty is key people! He told me I was the only one he was talking to while I was

truthful and told him I was talking to 2 other guys at the time. After dating for about a month

or so I put up a picture on Facebook and my friend called me right away. "Steph!

are you with this guy right now?!" she asked. I said "Yes, what's going on?". She went

on to tell me she was dating the same guy. "Leave and call me back ASAP!" she told me.

The truth always comes out sooner or later. Obviously the fact that we were friends was the

honest mistake but the fact that he lied to us both was the issue at hand. When I mentioned

her name to him his face turned white and he didn't say a word. I walked out and he

didn't go after me. The calls began after my friend left him a voice message to forget about

us both. Thankfully I had a flight to catch the next day so I would have a nice distraction visiting

my cousin in Boston. When I got back he asked to see me and of course my nice

side allowed him to explain himself. He asked for my forgiveness and asked me for another

chance. The jerk tells me that I am the safest choice between me and my friend. I looked at him and laughed. Now is when he decides to be blunt?! I don't want to be anyone's safe choice! Seriously?! No one wants to be that person. I'll finish this post stating that I have always been a strong believer in "Everything happens for a reason" and there is always these little moments that I realize someone is definitely looking out for me because it could've been much more serious. 

 

 

 

 

Question:

 

-How honest are you when it comes to dating/getting to know someone?

 

I will continue to share dating stories next week!

 





The Start Of My View On Men

 

 

 

Your insecurities start as children. Your past. This is where it all begins.

As we get older those insecurities really don't go away. They either get bigger or you learn to hide them better.

My mother was 17 years old when she met my father. He was 22 years old. My father didn't exactly believe in monogamy to say the least & from what my two sisters & I experienced as children was not always a fairytale. I was around 11 years old when my parents finally split up & though people assumed I was unhappy at the thought of a broken home; I wasn't. He was a very angry man. I can't tell you that I have many happy memories with him as a child because I cannot even remember. What I can clearly recall is him watching a lot of football or soccer with a cold beer in one hand even when my mother would want us all to go out together, he wouldn't budge. I remember a lot of verbal and physical abuse mostly towards my mother but unfortunately we crossed his path sometimes. He used to cheat on my mother left & right. No shame. My mother to this day still tells me that she's certain me & my sisters blocked things out of our memories as children. Hopefully she's right.

I remember one afternoon that my mom was at work & for a stupid, childish reason my father spanked me so hard it literally left a print of his hand on me. I was around 9 years old when this happened. I sat by the window just crying & praying to God that my mother got home to save me. I prayed to a God I didn't know existed. My mother arrived shortly & defended me like a bear would her cub.

 

After their divorce he remarried one of the many women he cheated on my mother with & formed a new life. Not long after they moved to Georgia where my step mother assumed his cheating days would be over. Little did she know that he liked American women just as much as Latinas.

This is the kind of man that used to take us to his "girlfriends" houses to visit her but will tell us it was for us to go play with her kids.

There is so much more to this story & to be completely honest I am not exactly comfortable right now to share it all. Maybe one day I will. This is just a piece of my childhood for you to better understand where I am now & how I have reached these decisions. Daddy issues? Possibly.

 

Questions:

 

-Have you or anyone you know experienced similar situations?

 

-How has this affected your love life?